Angry Black Woman, I am not....

I don't know how many times I get that from men... Again I say that I am not an angry black woman...  I am quite the opposite if one would stop looking at the headlines and get to know the interior.  I don't go around snapping my neck at people or men and I have cut down significantly on the male bashing as I find that it gets me no where fast...  LOL

I am, however, a woman who is able to have choices and a opinion.  I try to stay honest with my thoughts and how I interact with people.  This blog is not designed to bash any male but to share my experiences good and bad in the dating scene. 

Peace and Blessings.

Guest blogger invitation...

Hey all...

I really would like to expand my blog so this is a invite for those interested (men and women) to be a guest writer.  If you have something to share that is related to the content of this blog the send your writings to me at shivawn.brimage@gmail.com...  I will feature a guest blog at minimum once a month, depending on the responses.

I think 2012 will be an interesting and prosperous year and I am so happy to share it with you.

Peace and Blessings
Shivawn

Perceptions....

I recently completed the course "Applying Psychology" where we discussed a lot about perceptions.  That has been a lingering subject in my mind lately and I just wanted to talk about it as a single woman.  You see people perceive that because I am single I am unhappy... Well contrary to popular belief, I am rather the opposite.  I occupy my time with things that I enjoy the most...  I spend time with my daughters which brings me the most joy.  Little do they know that while I am nurturing them they are doing the same for me. 

I date... Yes I said it... I date...  LOL  I go out on dates with men who share the same interest as I do...  I just work at a snails pace when it comes to relationships now-a-days...  It is my preference. 

Another perception that I get especially from men is that I need to be "saved" from this state of being single... LOL  I think it is funny because that is a number one turn off for me.  While I want a man in my life who is a provider, the only man in my life that has been my savior, died on the cross 2011 years ago. 

I just enjoy writing about my random thoughts while being 35 and single.  I wish I could write more about my dating experiences but I just keep them to myself to protect the innocent.  I hope everyone is gearing up for the Christmas/New Year holidays.  I hope to be going to Brooklyn to visit family during this time.

Peace and Blessings to you...

Christmas Wish List....

In my last post "I cried this morning..." , I was just sharing with you a moment of transparency, clarity, and renewal.  I just want the people who read this blog to be able to relate.  A lot of my life is filled with joy and happiness, especially around the holidays.  This is my absolute favorite time of the year. 

So with that said, here are the top 5 things on my Christmas wish list for 2011...

Upper Westside Northface Coat

I-Phone 4s

Vera Wang Princess Perfume

Sony Camcorder

Spa Gift Certificate

Those are my top 5 things, what are yours?  Feel free to comment below.

Peace and Blessings!!!!

 

I Cried This Morning...

This morning I woke up and while in prayer I cried...  I cried because I couldn't help but think about how alone I feel.  Maybe my estrogen levels are at a higher rate than normal today but I really sat on the side of my bed and sobbed like a baby.  The thought was consuming. The human (flesh) side of me wants a relationship... A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP... 

Now don't get me wrong I am thankful for my children, family, and friends.  I am thankful for the unconditional love that God has for me therefore I am never truly alone.  But as I look around and do some soul searching I never thought that at 35 years old I wouldn't be happily in love.  Then I access some of the relationships and friendships I have let go because of my selfish and uncaring attitude.  I try to never point the finger at the men but I try to realize what part I played in my relationship fiasco.

In some ways I wish I could have the opportunity to get away and really take a in-depth assessment of my life priorities.  Maybe that is something I can do for 2012....

Peace and blessings...

Why I'm Not Married...

This morning while browsing Facebook... (LOL) I came across an article that was shared by one of my male friends.  I do enjoy an interesting read from time to time and I can surely say this one pulled on some of my heart strings.  While all of me could be in denial about some of the truths in this article a lot of me related very much to what the author was saying...  Basically Tracy McMillian wrote "Why you're not married" which talks about her 6 top reasons why a woman is not married. 

I will not say which ones apply to me but there were a couple.  Here is a synopsis of what she wrote:

1. You're a Bitch - Basically you are angry at the world and you are not afraid to let everyone including the man you are trying to be with, know it.

2. You're Shallow - You are looking for someone who meets a list of things instead of a man with character.  Character is what matters the most because "men of character are, by definition, willing to commit."

3. You're a Slut -  Hooking up with men is fine for someone not looking for marriage but if you are trying to be married then you need to save yourself for that person because once those legs open you are subject to release a hormone (oxytocin) which bonds us with that lay...

4. You're a Liar -  In my opinion, this is mostly to yourself...  You meet a man that clearly is not available for a relationship and you swear you don't want one with him until you open your legs and then you bond and then you want something different.

5. You're Selfish -  Because you are single you do think about yourself A LOT... A married woman doesn't spend most of her day thinking about herself because she has to much other stuff to think about.

6. You're Not Good Enough - You are not looking for someone that is your equal but someone that is better than you so therefore you feel that you are not good enough...  I like how she says "You are enough right this minute. PERIOD."


While some of the terms are severely harsh sometimes I need this personal attack to wake myself up to the reality of the reasons why I am not married and my contribution to those reasons.


Peace and Blessing...

The road not taken....

I hope everyone has had a lovely holiday if you celebrate Thanksgiving.  For me it was some much needed time off work.  Holidays are usually very hard for me.  I have this picture perfect way of celebrating the holidays in my head that just hasn't come to past yet.  Anyway, I wanted to write about the road not taken.

Usually someone has a "type" of person that they want.  I mean tall, light, dark, caring, provider, etc...  Well what if we let go of those things and take the road not taken?  I think that I may have to consider the road not taken.  There are some very nice gentlemen that have come in my life and I just didn't move forward with them because they didn't meet my "standards".  I need to be willing to bend a little.  It is cool though... The first step in the process is admitting you have a problem... LOL

Thankful for Changes.... Change is good..

I am Thankful for Changes... Being able to be changed allows me to mature. Being willing to follow the Lord allows him to have his way in MY life.

You say you like me but.....

Gotta hate it when someone reveals to you how they feel and the actions don't back up those feelings...  I mean he said he likes me.. (present tense)  Yet you are waiting on me to do something about it.  I wasn't really looking at him until he revealed this to me.  Once I became interested he fell back a bit...  WTH...  This dating game is not for the weak nor weary for sure.  But his actions or should I say lack there of will surely get him scratched off the list!!!

What I am Thankful for in 10 days....

With the holiday seasons fast approaching I have decided to make this an opportunity to share some of the things I am thankful for.  Usually around this time I am sitting around with a sad face because either I am single or the person I was dating was away but this year I will turn my frown upside down.  What better way to embrace the holidays by acknowledging what I am thankful for...  So over the next 10 days I will share 10 things I am thankful for...

Day 1
I am thankful for my grandma.  She loves me unconditionally.  What I love about her the most is that she laid foundation in my life by introducing me to the love of Jesus.  If it wasn't for her guidance my relationship with God would probably be different.  I am thankful for her because she would take her last and offer it unselfishly to me or any other person she comes in contact with.  I am thankful for her strength and stewardship. 

How do we get pass pillow talk...

When I refer to pillow talk I am referring to the talk before the act... I am finding that once the subject of SEX comes along then there is no other important topic.  I have tried to change subjects but within minutes the topic goes back to SEX.  So what do you do?  I think I am going to tell the person my intentions.  While a physical experience is great I would like to have a complete relationship which includes much more than just the physical. 

Because once we have SEX then what do we have?  Unless that was your intent from the beginning which you still have the option to say....

Long-distance relationship pillows.... Who would have thunk it... LOL

So I ran across a blog article and video and thought this was a interesting way to stay connected with your significant other who is long distance.  Apparently you were some type of sensor when you sleep at night.  Once a person goes to bed the pillow glows and you can hear the heart beat from your lover...  Is that too much or too cute?  Coming from a person who has been in a long distance relationship I think it is kind of cool...  Anyway to stay connected with your long distance lover is great.  Here is a video showing how it works.

Your thoughts?  Peace and Blessings FB!!!

Don't send that text.... Pick up the phone...

Today I read a blog article on the Harvard Business Review website titled "Don't Send That Email. Pick up the Phone!" and while the article was geared towards business I really feel like this applies in relationship building.  Whether it be a relationship you are trying to have with the opposite sex or relationships with family and/or friends.   Technology has made it very easy to get away from actual live human interaction. 

In a previous relationship I had with a man 90% of our conversations happened via text or bbm messages.  After a while, I really grew tired of this method of communication being the primary way.  Not only because once my feelings grew I wanted to actually have live conversations but also because miscommunication happened frequently.  I can remember quite a few times where the wrong tone was picked up or the lack of response to certain messages lead to the belief that someone was upset.  After a while I really felt like I had a relationship with my blackberry instead of a man.  LOL became and acknowledgement instead of me actually laughing out loud. 

That in itself lead me to be aware of my live interactions with men that I am interested in or who are interested in me.  I know that I can get caught up in my own little life and realize how easy it is to just pick up the phone and send a text but I am going to choose to make a better effort to call and chat more frequently.  Something to think about....


Peace and Blessings

October Playlist....

So I have decided that I would share with you some of the songs that I play to help me breeze through my single relationship status... LOL  Many of you may or may not know that I am a huge Jill Scott fan and currently have her heavy in rotation.  Below are the songs that I have favored from her during the month of October.  I hope you share my interest.



Peace and Blessing

Reflection....

Lately I have been receiving a lot of feedback on my public displays of affection for the man that I was previously in a relationship.  What is wrong with expressing yourself openly about how you feel? (rhetorical)...  It is funny how people have been saying that I was SO in love and how I expressed it as if it is a crime to do so.  The simple fact of the matter is I shouldn't have to always amplify the bad stuff.  The good stuff is surely worthy of just as much praise.  It seems as though people always want to influence their preferences on me...  Whatever relationship I choose to get in, I am going to make sure that he knows how special he is in MY life by any means necessary.  If you don't agree with it... KEEP IT MOVING... LOL

Peace and Blessings

Which scenario would you rather be in?

Man contacts woman.....

Scenario #1 ...and introduce himself.  For about a week and a half man and woman continues to have idle chit chat via text and phone conversations...  Man does not directly say exactly what he wants from the woman so she keeps it strictly friendly.  The woman does not make any assumptions.  Man ask woman over for dinner...  After the dinner "date", woman doesn't hear from man again for a couple of days...


Scenario #2 ...and tells woman that he has been wanting to contact her for a while now.  They exchange numbers and woman hasn't heard from him since...


Scenario #3 ...and meets woman and a group of friends for a night out.  Man has a face-to-face conversation with the woman about general topics they both share interest.  Man ask woman if he can see her again.  Man follows-up with woman to confirm another meet-up.  Man and the woman meet-up the next week and man declares to the woman his interest in her.  Man gives general expectations of what he desires in a mate...



Which scenario would you rather be in?  I'm just saying....

One Man.... Two Women

Women:  If your significant other one day asked you to be in a relationship with him AND another woman would you consider it?  Is it possible for you to be open enough in your relationship to have another woman be a part of it.  Just an interesting topic that I shared recently with a friend.  If your man was loving towards you and not lacking in any way would you consider it to keep him happy? 

I can't really say that I have a solid opinion about this question.  I mean my morals and values may be significantly different from the people who engage in this practice.  I think however that if it makes ALL 3 happy then so be it...  If a man thinks that he has enough love and affection to give to 2 women and they both agree then go for it.  I know this may not be totally in-line with what I would practice in my relationship life but who am I to judge someone's actions.  I know I fall short from grace at times so I need to concentrate on what is going to make my relationship status different. 

Take me as I am...

I am sitting here in random thought about the subject of dating and meeting new people.  I use to have one of those attitudes where I felt like someone needs to take me as I am or forget you...  Well as I mature I realize that statement is totally unrealistic.  A relationship IS about give and take and compromise.  I can not expect anyone to just deal with me when I refuse to deal with myself.  Life is about growing and changing (or maturing as I would typically say).

So while I venture into this dating game again I have to always be aware of my standards and make sure that those standards are not unachievable for the men I come in contact with. 

Do opposites really attract?

I am pretty sure that everyone has heard the saying "Opposites Attract".  I am not so sure that this is a valid statement.  I am just thinking about some interactions that I have had with me who did not share the same interest as me and vice versa. 

Now I am not unreasonable.  I know that two people are not going to have everything in common but if more thing are uncommon than common someone needs to address it and probably walk away.  Trust me you will find yourself doing the things that you enjoy the most by yourself.  For example, I am a social butterfly and I enjoy doing things that allows me to be social with other people and meet other people.  I am very comfortable with meeting people that I don't know.  If I get with someone who is not social and would rather be at home and doesn't like crowds then I will find myself going to a lot of places alone because even going to a movie there are crowds and such... 

This is just a random thought that I have been having lately while meeting new people recently.

Peace and Blessings

Have I become the IF and THEN statement?

I am an I.T. Analyst in my full-time profession.  I do programming and other techie stuff like that.  I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that got me to thinking about something that I often do when writing queries to extract data from a database.  I often have to implement a If/Then Statement which means if the data meets a certain criteria then something happens.  Well I thought about this concept in a situation I recently found myself in.  Basically the man said that IF things didn't work out with what he was doing now THEN he and I could proceed.  HAVE I BECOME THE IF.... 

Often I find this is the case in dating.  Why can't people just close one door before they open another one.  It really would save a lot of time, energy, and emotions.  Never do I want to be the number 2 or the option.  Just something to think about...

Words with Friends...

I was talking to a girlfriend recently and I was telling her about some of the things I had been going through in my last relationship.  Her advise to me was to take a break from relationships and "do me" for a while.  I have a hard time with this advise because most of the last 2 years I really have been "doing me"... 

See being in a long distance relationship gave me the time to be by myself a lot.  I mean I was attached to my previous significant other emotionally to a certain point because I respected him and the relationship.  The fact of the matter however is that I was physically alone.  We didn't have date nights, watch movies, or be lazy on the couch.  We had to strategically plan our time around my children and his work schedule.  It was very difficult at times because the relationship is really not the priority.  So about every 2 to 3 months we would meet up for some time and that was even limited. 

So not saying that her advise wasn't wise but it was not for me.  I don't truly think anyone fully understands what I am thinking or feeling because they haven't walked in my shoes but I desire a companion that is in the same geographical area that I'm in. 

No Second Chances....

Happy Friday people...

I was talking to a friend yesterday about an issue that has presented itself.  I ended up getting into this situation because instead of letting go of a person who decided that I wasn't that one for them, I held on.  We rekindled, etc...  My friend told me this... "When you break up with someone or someone breaks up with  you , you should never go back!  If someone has the nerve to walk away from you once, the will surely do it again..."  Now those words in my opinion are very powerful and true. 

I believe in my situation I hold on to what is positive about a relationship/friendship and let those things overshadow what is negative.  There may be 10 negative things about the relationship and 1 positive thing will over-take all of the negative...  I have to start taking off the rose colored glasses and see the big picture about my relationships with people.  There is nothing wrong with giving a person a second chance because people do make mistakes.  On that second chance however I do not have to let people be in my life the way they were on the first try.  A lot of things would be different...

Just some early morning thoughts and ramblings

Peace and Blessings.

6 Ways to Not Lose Your Sanity while Being Single

I guess I am a novice at being single so I wanted to share with you my top 10 ways to not go insane while being single.  I hope that those of  you who are single that read this blog find some useful tips to enjoy your relationship challenged status....

1. Take yourself out on a date.  I often use some of my free time on the weekend to take myself out on a date.  Now in order to do this you have to be very comfortable with being out alone with no friends or family.  A date for me could be pampering myself with a mani/pedi and shopping for a nice outfit for work or going out to eat dinner and checking out a movie.  It is important to take yourself out because you start to establish the things and/or events that you truly value.
2. Catch a marathon on TV.  One of my all time favorite murder mystery series on TV is Criminal Minds and often I can find a all day marathon on one of my cable channels that keeps me entertained for a while.  I may fix myself some popcorn and plop right on the couch for the day.
3. Workout.  Recently I joined a runners group in my area called Black Girls Run.  By joining this group I am able to socialize with women who like to run once a week and it takes my mind off of being single.  This group also encourages me to workout and complete several goals that I have mentally to run a 5k.
4. Higher Education.  Going back to school to start and/or complete your degree work is a great way to keep your sanity while being single.  Because you are single you can focus on classwork and have that extra free time to focus on being a successful student. 
5. Take a mini weekend get-a-way.  On many occasions in the last few years I have been able to take mini vacations and travel to places that I have never been before within the U.S.  While this can get costly, you can plan a few trips out and budget for the next year.  In the last year I was able to visit Chicago, Charlotte, Las Vegas, and Palm Springs.  By using payment plans I was able to have my trips paid for well in advance and just worry about spending money.
6. Volunteer at your child's school.  As a single parent it is also important to stay involved in your child's activities at school.  Not only has volunteering allowed me to do this but it also keeps my mind occupied from thinking about being single.  Children who are active in school will keep you very busy.  I have children that are in the band, cheer, and play basketball so a lot of my free time is spent being a taxi or helping out with other parents.

These are just a few ways that I keep myself sane while embracing this single life journey.  Please share in the comments sections other ways to keep yourself sane and busy while being single.

Peace and Blessings.

What's wrong with a Happy Ending?

Hey all!!!  Happy Fall...  To me this is the best season of the year.  Although my allergies are flaring a bit I still truly enjoy the changing of the leaves and the crisp chill in the morning air.  I love pulling out my scarf collection and bundling up with a nice sweater or jacket.

My purpose for this post is I am currently watching Love Jones (the movie) for the hundredth time and I began to think about happy endings.  Now I have come across a lot of people who think women believe a relationship is gonna be like what we see in the movies...  That we as women seek a fairytale.  Now I don't believe that a relationship is going to be completely like we see on TV but what is wrong with wanting a happy ending?  I know everything in a relationship is not going to go right but at the end of the day, when the smoke clears I want to be happy. 

So while on this involuntary single life journey I am evaluation and re-evaluating my definition of happiness and happy endings.  In my mind happiness is relative.  I want to be able to use sound judgement in making decision when it comes to the matters of *MY* heart.

Peace and Blessings

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???

I am soooo ready... I don't have a team that I follow but shoot what single woman wouldn't want to watch football in a sports bar... IJS...  So I will continue to say that my team is the Cleveland Browns because it definitely makes for an interesting conversation and hope for the best. :)

Happy Football Season yall!!

Peace and Blessings...

Why I am single???

So I get the question a lot asking "Why are you single?"... and yesterday on my personal FB page I posted a few reasons why I am no longer in some of the relationships I have had in the past.  Beyond those reasons I am currently single because I haven't been actively going outside of my house to social events that would put me in contact with a man.  I often ask myself how do you think that you will end up in a relationship when you are not out there meeting anyone.  I don't know if it is because I am getting older and don't desire to "go out" anymore or just lazy.  I can't continue to complain about it if I am not doing anything about it.  That is some what the definition of insanity.

I am currently brainstorming on out of the box ways to meet men.  I have done the online dating and I am not opposed to doing that again.  I just would like to have some face to face interaction these days so I am going to have to come up with something different. 

Those are just some random thoughts that I have had lately.

Peace and Blessings

Jill Scott's "Light of the Sun" is gonna get this single woman in trouble!!!

So I have been so HIGH on the recently released Jill Scott cd "Light of the Sun".  I am a little bias because I am a Jill Scott fan however if you listen to the lyrics you will be pleasantly pleased.

I say that it is going to get me in trouble because after listening to some songs I feel like I NEED to be "boo'd-up"... for a lack of a better term.  Man how I wish that I could just go home to a nice man and be dickmatized as she so bluntly put it in the song "Making You Wait"...  I'm just saying... LOL  That song is sexy in my opinion.  So as I hit the repeat button on that one song, I sit patiently waiting on him again....


Peace and Blessings!!!
Shivawn

My Second Wind

Because I am a christian I have to attribute all of what I am about to say to my relationship that I have with God...

I can truly say at this moment, God has given me my second wind.  I must admit that I took a hard fall after my last failed relationship but what I have realized over the last 2 weeks is that I love myself so much more than that relationship.  I had to realize that God has his hand all throughout my life and things happen for a reason.  I am not bitter nor have I ever really been about no longer being in a relationship because the last one taught me how to love again... Not only to love another person wholeheartedly but love myself completely again. 

I say that because I believe that I was truly broken through-out the last 7 years...  I had a failed marriage and no solid foundation to stand on.  But now I have realized that I had to continue to stand on the word of God and things will happen in the order that he wants them to.  I am actually proud of myself for standing strong and allowing my walk to influence the walk of my two precious daughters.  I know that this blog is dedicated to my single life blunders and wonders but I had to take a moment and give praise where praise is due...

Be Blessed everyone and live life like there is no tomorrow.

Am I getting in my own way?

Long time no see... LOL...  Anyway recently I was asked out on a dinner date from someone that I have known for a while.  He asked me out via text on a Tuesday and I responded, after much thought, on a Thursday and agreed to go out.  When he responded he said "Wow! What a late response. Lol!" and I didn't respond to that.  So a few days later he sends yet another text and ask "Where you chillin at tonight?  Trying to figure out where I'm going.  Would be nice to run into you.".  I was in the house for the evening and advised him of that. 

At this point he hadn't even scheduled the dinner date so finally he asked *ME* when is dinner happening and I respond with you tell me.  So in my mind I think... HERE WE GO AGAIN...  I mean if a man ask a woman out on a date, shouldn't he have some idea of what he wants to do, when he wants to go, etc... I know I have children and you may be taking them into consideration but I have already told you that I am flexible...

So I suggest to go to a festival on Saturday to chill and listen to live music and you tell me that you are not "feeling" that... REALLY!!!  I will not let this one situation guide my feelings towards dating again but dang-it this is the second time this has happened to me... 

Dating is like finding a needle in a hay stack...

Somethings just never change.... SIGH!!!

Man Claims Racist Reception from Royal Oaks: MyFoxHOUSTON.com

I wish that I could say that it is shocking that this type of stuff is still happening in 2011 but I am not shocked.  In my opinion people are gonna TRY to get away with anything that they want to get away with.  Thank God this man wasn't weak and didn't allow this to go on for a while.  I don't know what I would do in this type of situation.  It is sad to say the least.

I must get out the house....

I figured today that the only way that I can truly have someone "find" me is if I get out of the house. So tomorrow I hope to attend a All-White Party in my town. This is going to require me to do a lot of prepping as I need to get my natural hair washed and styled and probably get a manicure/pedicure... Another great excuse for pampering.

Online Dating....

So I have opted to do some online dating...  In my mind I wouldn't call it dating but prospecting... LOL  What is funny is that the members of the site are so unrealistic in the qualities they want in a woman or even the ones that the portray to have.  I digress....  I am going to take this thing seriously...  I think that it will be good since what I have of a social life right now is only online... SMH

Is it safe? Well actually I don't know... But it couldn't be no better than meeting a stranger in a bar or at a gas station. At least you can possibly have enough conversation via chats with a person to filter the pickings...

I will let you all know how it goes...

Checking in as I find my way back to my single self again...

So I find myself ending the last chapter of my life and writing a new one.  I kind of feel like I just rode the Griffin at Busch Gardens...  Such a emotional rollercoaster.  All is well with this single woman as I find my way back to my single self again.  Hope all is well with those who choose to read this...  Take care...

A Single Woman "Pays It Forward" day 2

So here I go again...  I am paying it forward for all the people who are in the Hampton Roads Area with a child or children in middle school and high school.  My church's VIP ministry is sponsoring an event call "Spinnin' Pins with Pastor"...  The event will be held on January 15th from 2pm-4pm.  I will be sponsoring 4 tickets....  My only request is to make a comment on my FB post of what you would do to "Pay It Forward" if you were given 1000 dollars today...

I will randomly choose a comment and provide that person with the 4 tickets to the event.  Only 1 comment per person please.  Comment will be chosen randomly at 8 pm tonight...

Thanks and remember... Try to Pay It Foward....

A Single Woman.... "Pays It Forward"

In efforts of regaining my sanity of a situation that is starting to present itself at the moment I am going to "Pay It Forward"...

The expression "pay it forward" is used to describe the concept of asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead.  ~ wikipedia.com

For my first "Pay It Forward" I will leave you with this link of a e-book that you can purchase for $10 that will give you tips to help you market your business...

40 Techniques to Market Your Business Online and Offline

I hope to do 2 - 3 Pay it forwards a week during the season of LENT...

Be Blessed...